What not to say to your child at drop off

My top 5 things NOT to say at school drop off:

1. “You’re a big kid”

2. “You’re fine/ok” 

3. “Don’t cry” 

4. “It’s going to be SO fun!” 

5. “You’re going to make so many new friends” 

Bonus: “Parent/caregiver will be right back!”

Ask yourself “Is it true, is it necessary, or is it kind.” It helps when you are thinking about these questions to help you determine whether you should say it. But for my suggestions on WHAT TO SAY….watch my stories! 

So why don’t you want to say the above☝️ 

The message you might be sending your child when you say “you’re a big kid” is you are not showing me the emotional maturity I expect of you. Thus the child may feel shame if they can’t be the child you expect them to be and feel less likely to share their experiences, whether positive or negative. 

The message you might be sending with “you’re ok, you’re fine” is what you are feeling is not valid. They won’t learn to trust their own feelings & they won’t feel comfortable sharing their feelings with you. 

The message you might be sending with “don’t cry,” is expressing sad feelings is not correct & thus they may internalize it & not feel safe to share their feelings with you. 

The message you might be sending with “it’s going to be so fun,” is that the whole day should be fun & if it’s not, the child may feel shame telling you about the parts they did not like. This may set you up for not having a safe, trustful & open relationship with your child.  

The message you might be sending with “you are going to make friends,” is one of shame as the child may not make any friends, especially on the first day or first week. Thus if they don’t make any friends, they are not as likely to share that with you as they may feel the need to make you happy so you don’t become upset. 

The message you may be sending with “parent will be right back,” is you do not tell the truth. Being right back implies right away. 

And lastly, do not bribe a child as that will not work in the long run & won’t teach them child how to learn how to be comfortable with being uncomfortable. They won’t learn how to express their emotions to someone and learn how to process them. 

Don’t stay too long at drop-off - if you linger it can cause the child confusion and may send the message that you do not trust the setting, caregiver - or that your child can’t cope. 

Be aware of your own emotions!! Your child will pick up on them. 

Say goodbye and then release your child’s attention and let the caregiver take over. 

Here is a sample script of what to say: 

“It looks like you are really upset/sad. Starting something new can be a little scary. I take care of you at home and at school teacher takes care of you.”

Here’s an example: “When you are feeling sad at home I give you a hug. When you feel sad at school teacher will give you a hug. When you get an ouchie at home, I give you a bandage. When you get an ouchie at school, teacher gives you a bandage.” 

Make sure your child is well rested, ate a good breakfast and is healthy (a deficit in any of these can cause the child to be less willing/able to separate)

Be comfortable with it not being easy for them! It’s a great opportunity for them to learn new skills (self soothing, self regulation, working through disappointment/ sadness, releasing big feelings, learning to trust others)

And don’t sneak off and not say goodbye to them!