Sass in a 4 year old

Sass in a 4 year old

We received a question about this and wanted to write it out in case it’s helpful to anyone else.

This is completely normal and very age-appropriate. Four is a big will, big feelings year. The sass often shows up as children experiment with autonomy before they have the emotional regulation skills to match it.

I try to stay calm and firm, name what I’m seeing (often using picture language), and hold the boundary without engaging with the tone. With consistency, it passes and that strong spirit, when guided, becomes such a gift ✨

When the sass shows up

• “Your sunshine is hiding right now. Let’s help it come back.”

• “That sounded like a cloudy voice. Can we try a sunny voice?”

• “I want to hear you when your heart feels sunny.”

When her words feel sharp

• “Those words felt prickly. Let’s use words warmed by sunshine.”

• “Oof, that sounded like storm clouds. Let’s pause and bring the sun back.”

• “I’ll listen when your sunshine voice is ready.”

When she’s frustrated or bossy

• “Your will is very strong, it’s like fire. We use sunshine to guide it.”

• “You have big energy right now. Let’s soften it with some sun.”

• “You can lead with warmth, not heat.” (this one grows with them)

When she’s dysregulated

• “Put your hand on your heart. Can you feel a little sun there?”

• “Let’s breathe and imagine the sun getting brighter inside.”

• “I’ll sit with you until the sunshine comes back.”

After the moment

• “When your sunshine was hiding, what could help it next time?”

• “Your words feel best when they come from your sunny place.”

• “Your sunshine helps others feel safe.”

Super-minimal (for very heated moments)

• “Cloudy voice.” (gentle cue)

• “Sunshine, please.”

• Hand on heart + slow breath together

✨ Why this works

• It avoids shame (sunshine can hide, not disappear)

• It externalizes behavior (they’re not “bad” — just cloudy)

• It builds emotional imagery they can access independently later

Let me know if you have questions