When a Child Hits and scripts for every age
What to Do When Your Child Hits
When a young child hits, our automatic response may be, “We don’t hit.” But that can be too abstract for a child who is overwhelmed, acting impulsively, or still learning how much strength lives in their body.
Hitting should be stopped immediately, but it does not require shame, punishment, or a long explanation. Move close, calmly block the hit, and gently cup or hold the child’s hands when appropriate.
Say:
“Hitting hurts. I’m going to help your hands stop.”
Then remind them what their hands are capable of:
“These hands are for helping, creating, building, climbing, carrying, painting, planting, caring, and loving.”
Hold their hands only as gently and briefly as needed. If being held causes them to become more distressed, create physical space while staying close enough to keep everyone safe.
Observe What the Child Is Communicating
Before reacting, consider what may have happened.
● Was another child in their space?
● Did someone take something they were using?
● Were they tired, hungry, overstimulated, or frustrated?
● Did they lack the words to express what they needed?
● Were they curious about the reaction their action created?
Understanding the reason does not excuse hitting. It simply helps us teach the child what to do instead.
Regulate Before You Teach
When a child is very upset, they cannot process a lecture, answer “why,” or offer a meaningful apology.
Use fewer words.
“I’m here.”
“Your hands are resting.”
“Let’s help your body become calm.”
Some children need closeness. Others need a little space or a meaningful task. Inviting them to carry a basket, water plants, knead dough, dig in the garden, gather sticks, wash a table, climb outdoors, or move something appropriately heavy can help organize their body and bring them back to a calmer state.
Once they are calm, briefly name what happened.
“You were angry when she took the truck.”
“You wanted more space.”
“You weren’t finished with your turn.”
Then give them the words they can use next time.
Scripts by Age
18–24 Months
At this age, use very few words and physically guide the child.
In the moment
“Hitting hurts. I’m helping your hands stop.”
“These hands are for helping.”
“You wanted the toy. Say, ‘My turn.’”
“Gentle hands.”
Model a gentle touch on your own hand, a doll, or a stuffed animal.
“This is gentle.”
Do not expect an 18-month-old to explain why they hit or remember a long rule. Repetition and close supervision are essential.
Teaching Remorse
Children this age are not capable of true empathy yet, but they can begin participating in caring actions. After comforting the child who was hurt, invite the hitter to help.
“Would you like to bring the ice pack?”
“Let’s help find her favorite stuffed animal.”
“Can you help me give him his blanket?”
If they decline, simply model caring yourself. Your consistent example lays the foundation for empathy over time.
24–36 Months
Toddlers at this age can begin connecting simple feelings with simple words.
In the moment
“You were mad. Hitting hurts.”
“I’m helping your hands become calm.”
“These hands are for building, carrying, and helping.”
“You may say, ‘Stop,’ ‘Move,’ or ‘My turn.’”
Afterward
“You were still playing with the truck. Next time say, ‘I’m using it.’”
“You wanted Mommy. You may say, ‘Help me.’”
Keep the teaching brief and repeat the same phrases consistently.
Teaching Remorse
Once everyone is calm, help your child notice the other person’s feelings.
“Look at your brother. He’s crying because hitting hurt.”
Then invite, not force, repair.
“Would you like to bring him an ice pack?”
“Would you like to help rebuild the tower?”
“Would you like to get her favorite book?”
If they say no, that’s okay. Continue modeling kindness yourself without shaming or insisting on an apology.
Ages 3–5
Preschoolers are beginning to understand cause and effect, but they still need an adult’s calm presence to help them regain control before they can problem-solve.
In the moment
“Hitting hurts. I’m going to help your hands rest.”
“I can see your body is having a hard time.”
“I’m right here. We’ll help your body become calm.”
If needed, move with your child to a quieter space. Some children regulate best by doing something purposeful with their hands or body. You might invite them to carry a basket, water the plants, knead dough, wash a table, dig in the dirt, gather sticks, climb outside, or help with another meaningful task.
Once calm
“You were upset because your sister took the shovel.”
“What could you say next time?”
Offer simple language.
● “I’m still using it.”
● “May I have it back?”
● “I need some space.”
● “Will you help me?”
Then reconnect them with what their hands are meant for.
“These hands are for building, creating, planting, carrying, helping, and caring. Let’s use them to help make things right.”
Teaching Remorse
Now children can begin understanding the effect their actions have on others.
Instead of saying, “What do you say?” or requiring “I’m sorry,” help them obseve.
“Look at your sister’s face.”
“How do you think she’s feeling?”
“What do you think would help her feel better?”
Allow them to come up with ideas whenever possible.
● Bring an ice pack.
● Help rebuild the blocks.
● Draw a picture.
● Offer a hug only if the other child wants one.
● Help clean up what was knocked over.
The goal is not to produce guilt. The goal is to help children connect their actions with another person’s experience and learn that they have the ability to help repair what was hurt.
Ages 5–7
Children this age can take more responsibility, but they still need help regulating before problem-solving.
In the moment
“I can see how angry you are. Hitting hurts.”
“Let’s help your body settle before we talk.”
“Your hands are strong. They are for creating, building, climbing, helping, protecting, and caring.”
Once calm
“Tell me what happened from the beginning.”
“What were you trying to communicate?”
“What could you do differently next time?”
“You may say, ‘I need space,’ ‘I wasn’t finished,’ or ‘I need an adult to help.’”
Teaching Remorse
At this age, children can begin taking ownership without shame.
“What happened to your friend because of what you did?”
“What do you think might help?”
Encourage thoughtful repair.
● Bring an ice pack.
● Write or draw a note.
● Help rebuild.
● Help finish the task that was interrupted.
● Ask, “Is there something I can do to help?”
A sincere apology is welcome if it comes naturally, but meaningful repair teaches far more than words spoken out of obligation.
Support the Child Who Was Hit
Whenever possible, attend to the hurt child first.
“That hurt. I’m here.”
Offer comfort, space, or an ice pack.
The child who was hit should never be expected to accept a hug, accept an apology, or immediately forgive. Their body and boundaries deserve respect, too.
Invite Repair Instead of Requiring an Apology
Children learn empathy by experiencing it.
Instead of asking,
“What do you say?”
Try asking,
“What happened to your brother?”
“What do you notice?”
“What do you think would help?”
Repair may look like bringing an ice pack, helping rebuild a tower, drawing a picture, finding a favorite stuffed animal, helping with a task, or offering a genuine apology if it comes from the child.
The goal is not perfect words.
The goal is helping children understand that our actions affect others—and that we can choose to make things better.
What If It Happens in Public?
Move your child to a quieter place.
“I’m going to help your body move somewhere calm.”
Once away from the stimulation:
“I’m here.”
“Your hands are resting.”
“Your body needs some quiet.”
When your child cannot safely return, it is okay to leave.
“Your body is showing me it is time to go home and rest.”
Leaving is not punishment. It is simply recognizing that your child needs a calmer environment before they can be successful.
When a Toddler Hits the Family Dog
A follower recently asked:
“My 18-month-old keeps hitting our dog and thinks it’s funny. How can I make it stop?”
At this age, laughter often comes from excitement, nervousness, overstimulation, or the reaction the behavior creates. It does not necessarily mean the child understands the dog’s pain.
Move close, place yourself between the child and the dog, and say:
“Hitting hurts. I’m helping your hands stop.”
Then say:
“These strong hands are for helping Ziggy. They can fill her water bowl, roll her ball, brush her gently, and wave hello.”
Separate the child and the dog.
When your child is calm, practice gentle touches on a stuffed animal or your own hand.
If the behavior continues, calmly say:
“Your hands are not ready to be near Ziggy. We’ll try again later.”
Always supervise young children around animals, and make sure your dog has a quiet place where they can rest undisturbed.
Remember the Goal
Young children are still developing impulse control, language, empathy, emotional regulation, and perspective-taking. Learning not to hit requires thousands of calm, consistent repetitions.
In the moment:
● Move close.
● Stop the hands calmly.
● Use very few words.
● Help the child regulate.
● Tend to the person who was hurt.
● Teach a safer phrase.
● Invite repair once everyone is calm.
The message your child carries with them is this:
“Your body is strong. Your feelings are real. I am here to help you use your strength with care. These hands are for helping, creating, building, climbing, carrying, planting, caring, and loving.”