Children who gravitate towards kids who aren’t great influences
Children who gravitate towards kids who aren’t great influences
First: Reframe It
When a child gravitates toward kids who aren’t great influences, it’s usually about:
• Curiosity
• Power dynamics
• Wanting approval
• Practicing autonomy
• Trying on identity
Remember this is NOT about “bad judgment.” Our job isn’t to panic, rather it’s to strengthen their inner compass. And it is to strengthen your child’s identity and intuition.
Ages 3-6
At this age, they don’t need a lecture. They need modeling and gentle boundaries.
What’s happening: They’re drawn to novelty, big personalities, or high-energy behavior.
What to say (in the moment):
If a child is being unkind:
“I won’t let anyone talk to you that way.”
“Let’s go find a game that feels good.”
Later, at home:
“Did you notice how you felt when he grabbed the toy?”
“Your body looked uncomfortable. What did that feel like?”
Keep it body-based and sensory.
What you’re teaching:
• How to read their internal signals
• That you are a safe anchor
• That kindness matters
At this age, you simply curate the environment. Less exposure > long explanations.
Ages 7-9
Now they care deeply about belonging.
They may say:
“But he’s my friend!”
“You don’t know him!”
Avoid criticizing the other child directly. Acknowledge that you don’t know the child. It’s more about teaching in this moment so they can handle situations when you are not there.
Script:
“I’m not worried about him. I’m thinking about you.”
“When you’re around him, do you feel bigger inside or smaller?”
Or:
“Friends should make it easier to make good choices, not harder.”
If needed:
“It’s okay to be friendly. It’s also okay to choose not to copy behavior that doesn’t feel right.”
What you’re building:
• Discernment without shame
• Internal decision-making
• Loyalty to self over peer pressure
Ages 10-12
Now we shift to collaboration. They’re developing identity. If you forbid the friend, you strengthen the attachment.
Script:
“Help me understand what you like about being around them.”
Listen fully first. Then:
“I trust you. I also want you to think ahead. When you’re with them, do you like who you become?”
Or:
“Real friends don’t pull you away from your values.”
If behavior escalates:
“I’m not banning this friendship. I am going to adjust how much unsupervised time feels appropriate.”
This keeps authority calm and steady, not reactive. And in this way, you were also modeling for them to think critically about situations versus being reactive.
Ages 13-15
This becomes about respect and long-term influence. Never attack the friend. That ALWAYS backfires.
Script:
“I’m less concerned about them, and more concerned about your direction.”
Or:
“You get to choose your friends. I get to decide what environments I support.”
And the powerful one:
“You don’t have to cut someone off. But proximity shapes trajectory.”
Let them wrestle with that.
What Actually Protects Kids
Across all ages:
-What Actually Protects Kids
Across all ages:
-Strong attachment at home
-Clear family values
-Regular check-ins
-Plenty of healthy peer options
-Calm authority
Children with secure connection are less vulnerable to poor influence.
Strong attachment at home means you have family values, regular check-ins, plenty of healthy peer options, and most importantly calm authority. Children with secure connection are less vulnerable to poor influence.
